okay… Just think about that for a second.
Over the last couple of days, I felt stressed… and a bit conflicted about what I want to do next.
Maybe it’s because Mercury has been in retrograde and it’s destroying everything logical in the world. Okay… yes. ;) I’ve been thinking about what my next step should be now that we are settling in. I enjoy being a stay-at-home-mom, but I also miss many aspects of my photography business. I miss being creative on a regular basis. I miss getting together with my fellow photographers to talk about business. I miss using my brain for things other than figuring out which Minecraft Youtube video is the most awesome or which episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse we HAVEN’T watched yet.
I’ve had the urge to get out and DO SOMETHING, to be creative, and to have something to work on, but have felt uncertain about where/how/with whom. Additionally, since I no longer have my solid network of photographer friends, second shooting jobs aren’t just dropping into my hand like they did in Florida (or… at all, yet), and while I want to shoot… the business side of me is adamantly refusing to work for free, even to satisfy that craving. And since I’m not set-up to run a business here in GA, taking money isn’t an option for me right now, since I play by the rules.
Then… there’s the side of me that doesn’t miss running a business AT ALL and is relishing the time I get to spend doing things for myself for a while – doing things that I truly LOVE – like working out as much as I want – or hugging my kids – without thinking that my clients are probably resenting me for hugging my kids and working out and not editing their photos faster – and focusing every single second on myself and what *I* need – not having to spend a single moment being concerned with anything else.
Since we moved here, I have only used my “real” camera once, and had taken time off to pack/prep for our move for about a month before we left. I felt a huge sense of guilt that my camera just sat untouched, day after day. After all, I had a photography business for 10 years, my camera is basically an extension of my brain. At least, it was. Now, I shoot everything on my iPhone (and I honestly love it, it’s fun and easy and makes me happy).
But, I long to compose on my DSLR again. I think shots up in my head constantly as I take in my surroundings. I miss the sound of the lens focusing at f/1.4… the feeling of my finger releasing the shutter. Those of you reading who are photographers know the feeling. That satisfying feeling when you know you got the shot. I miss that feeling. But… I can’t bring myself to pick up my camera.
I tried the other day. I really felt like I wanted to get out and shoot. I posted on Facebook, and even had some friends volunteer themselves and their families. But when it came down to the wire, I realized I just wanted… needed… a day all by myself.
After the kids were dropped at camp, I stopped to get gas and then headed out to Haw Creek Park in Cumming, GA, the city we live in. Next week, I have my very first timed trail run there. I wanted to go check it out, see the parking situation before I have to be there at 6:30am for race day, and get a feel for what I had gotten myself into by signing up for this.
I figured I would walk around for a little bit, but I ended up going all the way through the trails and hiking 2.88 miles. It took me an hour to get through it all. I took a few pictures with my iPhone (posted below), but most of all, I just took in the scenery, the sounds, the smells, and the feel of the ground beneath my feet.
It felt so good.
By the time I was done, everything that I had been obsessing over in my head for the past few days…
It just didn’t matter anymore.
When I finished the trail, I felt a sense of contentment. I’m happy where I am now. Whatever happens, happens. I’m done trying to figure out what I should do, and I’ve got to try to remember that for now. I’m just going to keep doing everything that makes me happy, and anything that falls into my lap will just be a bonus.
Sometimes… you just have to get outside.